In any good movie or tv show the introduction should set the tone for either the next couple hours or years. If I am doing my job at all correctly I should be doing just that, don't worry, it should not take that much time out of your life. (I can hear the sighs of relief from here.) So lets begin.
I am a 25 (almost 26) year old woman that is average height and a little more than average weight. I don't actually know what the average weight is but I'm going to assume I'm a little over that. I have curly/frizzy hair that is blonde most of the time. I have green/blue/brown eyes and my favorite facial feature would be my lips. I always thought I had good lips. I enjoy playing volleyball, softball, football, cards, and really, anything competitive. I am married and I don't have any children and I don't know when I will have them.
The plot thickens! I don't know if I'll ever have children. This isn't because there is a lack of wanting them, this would be the fact that I cannot conceive them so far. I won't go as far to say that I will never have them, because the doctor hasn't figured out what the problem is yet. Therefore I am what they call "unexplained infertility". This is something that I have been dealing with for a little over 2 years and it is a roller coaster!
Don't worry this blog isn't all about how awful dealing with infertility is but I can't promise every post will be like that. Remember how I said this is a roller coaster? Well don't expect my posts to be the kid rides at a theme park. I plan on making this real. It is more for me than you, but I thought it would be a good way to cope. We shall see....
Today I took a pregnancy test. This is the first time I have peed on a stick at home since I started going to the doctor. I told myself I wouldn't test at home and I would let the doctor take care of that, but I took a month off of the medications so I had to do it on my own. As you can guess, the test came back negative. I didn't cry immediately, in fact I usually don't. There will be other things that spark that, like a friend telling you the same day you tested negative that they are expecting. When this happens, if you are anything like me you fight back tears, tell them how happy you are, and lose yourself in your thoughts the rest of the conversation. This might not be the most mature way of handling it, but I'm not a veteran here. Two years isn't that long to be dealing with infertility stuff. As you can guess, this happened to me today. It was especially bad because, well sometimes it is just harder to deal with. I wallowed the rest of the night in self pity and as I was driving home, with the flood gates fully opened, I was thinking about why. Why is this happening to me? Why can they get pregnant? What makes them so special that they aren't blessed with one, but two babies? Why, why why?
Now, I am a huge fan of Steele Magnolias. If you haven't seen it, shame on you. It is a classic. Sally Fields gives one of the best monologues ever. (This is not up for debate.) I cannot watch her without bawling my eyes out. She has a melt down and watching her do it in public, in front of her friends is liberating. I admire the ability to lose it like that. I melt differently, I cry a lot, but I don't freak out like this and sometimes I wish I could. I don't know why I don't, it would probably be healthy for me. Instead I just cry, silently but steadily. My question today after dealing with the pregnancy test and my friends announcing is WHY? I don't have the answers, I don't think I will have the answer in this life, but watching Sally Fields ask the same question and explain the emotions feels good.
